Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize