Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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