this beer tastes like vomit already
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
