I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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