Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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