New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
