Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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