I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
