fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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