I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
