I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
