I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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