we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Also, beer. Big fan.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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