bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
