Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
