I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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