Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize