I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
