Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
