Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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