I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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