matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
how does that bad decision feel?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
