As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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