mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Randomize
