I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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