my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
