I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
