My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
