yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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