I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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