Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
