too bad you live with your parents still
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
