Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
two words...techno handjob
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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