I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
