the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
