it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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