Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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