he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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