I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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