woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
