I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
