i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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