I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
