I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Randomize
