I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
