Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
