Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
