She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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