I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
