i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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