I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
