k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
