you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
