Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
