see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize