i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
