There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
